Me & Naomi Watts in Almere

I dreamt I was in a crappy movie with Naomi Watts… no wait, that really happened. 

Dutch film directors have done pretty well in Hollywood. In the 1980s, Paul Verhoeven made a name for himself with ‘Robocop’ and ‘Basic Instinct.’ In the 1990s it was Jan de Bont with ‘Speed.’ Next up for US success was supposed to be Dutchman Dick Maas…

Dick Maas is, I would say, Nederland’s crappiest success story. He’s known for making Hollywood-size films with a Hilversum-size budget. Probably his best work is the boat chase in ‘Amsterdamned’ along the famous canals. But after crashing into the rowing club, then the Dutch street organ, then an even more implausible brass band flotilla… you’re left wondering if he’s taking it seriously or if he’s taking the piss. That’s Dick Maas to me: he’s aiming for parody, but it comes off as poor-man’s homage.

Dick Maas’ first-ever movie was ‘De Lift’ in 1983. It was a simple horror story about an elevator where people were being killed - by the elevator. For everyone who’s ever wondered what happens when you get your head caught between the elevator doors, this movie is for you.

For his big jump to the US market, Maas decided to redo his first movie, with a ‘Die Hard’ makeover. The exteriors were filmed in Manhattan, but the bulk of the production was in Almere by the Big Brother studios. And – since this time the movie was in English – they needed American actors, and I got the call.

Everyone from Boom Chicago tried out for the film. Ike Barinholtz got to play a fussy office assistant. Josh Meyers was on a SWAT team. And I got a role as a tech nerd / computer expert named Chip. (get it?) The filming was scheduled for August, 2000 – right in the middle of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, where I was performing for Boom Chicago. We told them I probably couldn’t do it, unless they could schedule all my scenes into the same 36 hours. Somehow they made it work, and I found myself on the set next to Naomi Watts. But I was labeled as ‘the prima donna.’

At that point, I’d never heard of Naomi Watts. In 2000, we were all more impressed with her co-star James Marshall from ‘Twin Peaks.’ James was open & friendly, and he liked having someone to talk to on the set. I teased him that he didn’t seem as dumb as his character on TV. He agreed. After ‘Twin Peaks,’ he’d had to deal with a serious illness. But this was his comeback and his ‘big chance to play an intelligent role in a smart script.’ Oh, dear.

Naomi Watts was Australian and, so we were told, a friend of Nicole Kidman. We’d be running lines, and she’d have to ask me – in her broad ‘Strine’ accent – ‘dizz thaat sound roight?’ 

DOWN DICK MAAS

I dreamt I was in a crappy movie with Naomi Watts… no wait, that really happened.

Dutch film directors have done pretty well in Hollywood. In the 1980s, Paul Verhoeven made a name for himself with ‘Robocop’ and ‘Basic Instinct.’ In the 1990s it was Jan de Bont with ‘Speed.’ Next up for US success was supposed to be Dutchman Dick Maas…

Dick Maas is, I would say, Nederland’s crappiest success story. He’s known for making Hollywood-size films with a Hilversum-size budget. Probably his best work is the boat chase in ‘Amsterdamned’ along the famous canals. But after crashing into the rowing club, then the Dutch street organ, then an even more implausible brass band flotilla… you’re left wondering if he’s taking it seriously or if he’s taking the piss. That’s Dick Maas to me: he’s aiming for parody, but it comes off as poor-man’s homage.

Dick Maas’ first-ever movie was ‘De Lift’ in 1983. It was a simple horror story about an elevator where people were being killed - by the elevator. For everyone who’s ever wondered what happens when you get your head caught between the elevator doors, this movie is for you.

For his big jump to the US market, Maas decided to redo his first movie, with a ‘Die Hard’ makeover. The exteriors were filmed in Manhattan, but the bulk of the production was in Almere by the Big Brother studios. And – since this time the movie was in English – they needed American actors, and I got the call.

Everyone from Boom Chicago tried out for the film. Ike Barinholtz got to play a fussy office assistant. Josh Meyers was on a SWAT team. And I got a role as a tech nerd / computer expert named Chip. (get it?) The filming was scheduled for August, 2000 – right in the middle of the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, where I was performing for Boom Chicago. We told them I probably couldn’t do it, unless they could schedule all my scenes into the same 36 hours. Somehow they made it work, and I found myself on the set next to Naomi Watts. But I was labeled as ‘the prima donna.’

At that point, I’d never heard of Naomi Watts. In 2000, we were all more impressed with her co-star James Marshall from ‘Twin Peaks.’ James was open & friendly, and he liked having someone to talk to on the set. I teased him that he didn’t seem as dumb as his character on TV. He agreed. After ‘Twin Peaks,’ he’d had to deal with a serious illness. But this was his comeback and his ‘big chance to play an intelligent role in a smart script.’ Oh, dear.

Naomi Watts was Australian and, so we were told, a friend of Nicole Kidman. We’d be running lines, and she’d have to ask me – in her broad ‘Strine’ accent – ‘dizz thaat sound roight?’

(to be continued in the book...)