Monday, December 31, 2012

2012 in Tweets by Greg Shapiro

2012 in Tweets 
by Greg Shapiro

re: ‘Rip Whitney Houston.’ Did you mean ‘RIP = Rest in Peace?’ Rip = what you were doing on her til yesterday.

News: George Lucas to release remastered 'Star Wars' replacing Mark Hamill with Harrison Ford.

Moody’s downgrades 3 Dutch banks. Then upgrades them. Then downgrades them again. F**king moody.

Breaking: Wilders refuses to Budge on Retirement Age, Forces Rutte into Early Retirement. #Catshuis

In Amsterdam it's never okay to judge by color. Unless it's a group of matching bikes - then you can assume they're high & don’t know how to bike.

Tonight, Paul the Octopus predicts he will still be dead. #EK#Holland

Don't forget, 'Filibuster' comes from the Dutch term 'Vrijbuiter' or 'Pirate.' As in ‘ARR! Prepare to be Bored!’ #Filibuster in Dutch Parliament!

Ahmedinejad at UN: ‘When I said I don't recognize the state of Palestine, I was only referring to the maps on my iPhone 5.’

If you wear the US flag as your pants, and I salute your pants, then don't look at me like I'm weird. #USelection2012

In concession speech Romney vows to continue serving his country any way he can. Except by paying his taxes.

If schools allowed you to shoot on sight any students tweeting during class, I think most teachers would say ok to guns.

+ For the record, the #Mayans also predicted the Y2K bug.


Jef Johnson: 'I suggest putting a teacher in every gun store' (for target practice?)

It's hard to take you seriously if you argue to the right to 'bare' arms. #RollUpYourSleeves

In retrospect, Tom Hardy as Bane sounds like a retarded Apu.

More comments from defenders of blackface. Note: when arguing you're not racist, avoid the phrase 'You people.' #ZwartePietOkBlackfaceNee

Der Spiegel on Zwarte Piet. If Germans are lecturing you on tolerance, shouldn't that be a sign?

You did build that. In fact, you built it crooked.

I hope Spielberg has a directors cut where Lincoln tells the red states to stay out.

Breaking News: US General David Petraeus quits, admits affair with Jack de Vries.

America, can we finally reform the Electoral College to make it more like the Eurovision Song Contest?

My sister got an anti-abortion DVD on her Wisconsin doorstep, which is the Spam equivalent of going door to door offering a bigger penis.

If you want Dutch people to speak English to you, hold a door for them & they'll assume you're not Dutch. Works every time.

For a man who doesn't believe in evolution, it’s odd how Romney's policies keep evolving.

#Debate 1 - Obama wins the JobCohen 'How dare you talk to me that way' Award

Hottest gay porn now found in Republican anti-gay ads.

I'm not saying all sailors are gay, but the name of your industry IS 'MerryTime.'

When my 8 year-old points at tiny Dutch 'Invalid' cars & says 'Ha Ha!' like Nelson on The Simpsons, I should correct him. But I can't do it.

If someone would design a toilet seat with Michaelangelo's 'Creation' I'd buy it.

I'm scared of Mitt Romney as President. I don't doubt Obama will win; I'm afraid Obama is becoming Mitt Romney.

Bill Clinton now the Democrat Fact-Checker-in-Chief. Does that make Bush the Republicans' Fact-Checker-in-Chief? That'd explain a lot

Inez Shapiro: 'The fact that 2012 Republicans are so religious makes them... ongeloofwaardig.'

Amazing Anti-Aging formula makes Republican party 50 years younger! Party platform ca. 1962

If faith-based voters have a problem with #Romney, remember: his economic policy 'tax cuts = jobs' is based on nothing but faith.

If you build it, they will come. If you HOST it, they will come and beat you. #wimbledon

Cannot hear exfoliate without thinking of daleks from 'Dr. Who.' 

For once in the supermarket there's no music. Still, I catch myself humming 'Shine Sweet Freedom.' Gag. Switching to Barry White.

Awkward: 'Don't you recognize me? We worked together for 6 years.' No. Awkwarder: my wife 'Are you pregnant?' No.

German couple just cut me off in #airportsecurity line. I said 'Good thing we're not getting on a train!' They didn't get it

Merkel is like Cartman. 'Respect Mah Austerity.' 

Heading to Vondelpark to sell off a lot of old toys.. And if the price is right, the kids too

Due to budget cutbacks, the Dutch ballet 'Giselle' will share stage time with Joop vd Ende, creating the world's 1st 'Gigi-selle.'

If I had a nickel for every piece of Lego I've vacuumed up... Then I'd still be in the red

Audi drivers- did you know? Your car also comes with brakes

There should be an app to make iTunes pay me $.99 whenever 'No Mercy for the King' gets stuck in my head. Work on it.

Like an #EtchaSketch I'm pretty sure Romney is being controlled by a left-right knob, and an up-down knob

If Ikea would provide a service where all items are assembled in a montage set to A-Team music, I'd buy it.

Ladies - though he "don't wanna miss a thing" - waking up to find Steven Tyler watching you is inherently creepy, right?