Dutch Directness + Hans Teeuwen. Don't make him mad.

Dutch Directness + Hans Teeuwen. Don't make him mad.  

Living in the Netherlands, I’ve come to realize that Dutch people really do like to ‘Doe normaal.’ If you’re too full of yourself or putting on airs, there’s a built-in Dutch bullshit detector that will kick in and cut you down to size.

Before Amsterdam, I spent most of my time living in Chicago and New York.

In Chicago, people want to know where you come from: ‘You’re Venezuelan? My friend growing up was Venezuelan. Wanna hang out?’
In New York, people only care where you’re going: ‘You’re from Boring Smalltown? I’m from Loser Smalltown. What’s your plan to get rich & famous?’

Amsterdam is a mix of the 2: ‘You want to be rich & famous? Cut the shit! Where are you from? Don’t care! Plus, here are my favorite insults for that place.’

For example: ‘Hey, I saw you onstage! It was not very funny. Are you really from America? I thought so. You’re so loud, and you think all your jokes are funny. What now? Are you going to shoot me?’

This is known as Dutch Honesty. When I meet Dutch people, it’s often as if they want to show off some new Truth Serum they just drank. ‘Your nose is big!’ ‘Your suit is too big.’ And this was a quote aimed at a female colleague of mine:

‘You looked really nice onstage tonight! I was looking at your trousers, and I’m pretty sure you shave your pubes. But my friend says you have a full bush. So which is it?’

In particular, Dutch honesty and Dutch courage are a bad combination. In the days following 9/11, I was here in Amsterdam. After I’d do a show, sometimes there would be a Dutch guy to buy me a drink.
Him: ‘You’re American, right? It’s terrible what happened in New York. Let me buy you a drink.’

Me: ‘Thanks.’

We’d clink our glasses. And – as soon as I’d take a sip – that’s when he’d start in.
Him: ‘You know, you really did have it coming.’
Me: [Spitting my beer]

Him: ‘Oh yeah… Reagan gave the Afghan rebels their weapons. You created the terrorists in Saudi Arabia by propping up the oppressive regime. And why did you build such big targets in the first place?’

Apparently, the deal is ‘I buy you a beer, and until you are done drinking I get to tell you everything wring with your foreign policy. Those were some of the fastest beers I ever drank.

Some Dutch people have raised bluntness to an art form. Literally. His name is Hans Teeuwen. If possible, do not get in an argument with Hans Teeuwen. I found this out the hard way. 

To be continued...