EDINBURGH FRINGINESS WINNING

Edinburgh Fringiness Winning

Greg Scott Shapiro 25 August, 2013

The Edinburgh Comedy Awards 2013 are a grand triumph for anyone who’s been worried that the Fringe is too commercial. In my mind, this proves the real Fringe is back.

BEST SHOW - BRIDGET CHRISTIE
BEST NEWCOMER – JOHN KEARNS

PANEL PRIZE ‘SPIRIT OF THE FRINGE’ – ADRIENNE TRUSCOTT

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23808788

Consider: Bridget Christie’s show ‘A Bic for Her’ is on at 11.05am. It’s a rant on feminism (that doesn’t sacrifice angry for funny).

Consider: John Kearns ‘Sight Gags for Perverts’ is on at 17.05. It’s on at the PBH Free Fringe. Last year’s Best Newcomer Daniel Simonsen also came from the Free Fringe, didn’t he? Commercial productions be damned.

Consider: Adrienne Truscott’s show ‘Asking for It – a One-Lady Comedy about Rape Starring her Pussy and Little Else’ is as much performance art as it is comedy. The Truscott character is Adrienne Wau of the Wau Wau Sisters cabaret act. I spoke to her (having missed her show, F**k me) about her 5-star reviews, and she said she was totally surprised. Apparently, she’d heard one too many rape jokes and decided to do a show about it. Her message: ‘Dudes, if you’re going to make rape jokes, then at least make smart jokes.’

Shapiro L-R with Adrienne Wau, David Quirk, Zoe Lyons 

We spoke about performance art inspirations like Karen Finley & Annie Sprinkle. Perhaps that’s how she got the idea to perform the show naked from the waist down and to use her body as a canvas for projections. Appropriately, she also won the Malcolm Hardee Award for Comic Originality. When I spoke to her, she said she’s busy enough with the Sisters (they’re actual sisters). An she has no plans to continue Adrienne Truscott. But now that may change.

Also consider the venue where Truscott performed: ‘Heroes at Bob’s Bookshop.’ This is so free fringy it’s not even part of the official Free Fringe. It's a project started up by Bob Slayer, who's so alternative even alternative comedy doesn't know what to do with him. It’s in a bookshop. A small bookshop. You can tell how uncomfortable it was for male reviewers:

http://www.chortle.co.uk/shows/edinburgh_fringe_2013/a/21434/adrienne_truscotts_asking_for_it%3A_a_one-lady_rape_about_comedy_starring_her_pussy_and_little_else!?review=3545

Apparently, this year’s Edinburgh Comedy Award panel had a hard time choosing. This is the first time in awhile there were 7 acts on the Shortlist for Best Show. (Personally, I had a hard time believing a couple of these names were on here.) Here’s who Bridget beat out:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-23785748

Thanks to David Quirk for introducing me to Adrienne. Thanks to Facebook & Stewart Lee for introducing me to Bridget Christie.

Coming soon: Where should I put on my show at Fringe 2014? There are at least 3 Turf Wars going on – which  side to choose?  

The ‘Worst Show Ever’ – It Was Great

The ‘Worst Show Ever’ – It Was Great

Who would dare to invite people to the worst show ever? Yesterday a group of comedians got together to share their stories of the times when everything goes wrong, but the show must go on. It was sparsely attended but greatly appreciated. In fact, we may have invented a recurring format.

I was asked by MC Theater to organize an MC Tori (Surinamese for Story), a series of stories on a theme. Some of my favorite stories are the ones I hear backstage at a comedy event, when comedians try to top each other with the play-by-play of the worst gigs. ‘The Worst Show Ever’ is not about off-nights, jokes that don’t work, audiences that aren’t in the mood. Those are the lame shows.

The Worst Shows transcend all that and become great stories. Sometimes there’s a complete lack of planning, like when the promoter says ‘Start performing, and people will come watch,’ and you do your warmup for zero people. Other times, people stick to the plan too rigidly. Like the wedding where the DJ is supposed to play a special dedication for 2 special guests. But when the one who catches the bouquet happens to be a 14 year-old girl, and the guy who catches the garter belt is a 40 year-old loner, do you really have to play Marvin Gaye ‘Let’s Get it On?’

MY QUESTION was - would comedians want to share their stories in public? I was lucky enough to get some veteran Amsterdam comedians together.

(Bob Maclaren is Hawkeye here, but he couldn't make it Sunday.) (Rob is apparently Black Widow.) 

- Favorite StefanPop: performing for a Kids with Cancer event, having to do comedy directly after an extended story of a tragic 8 month-old who didn't make it.

- Favorite MaartenvanHinte: performing 'Scarface' theater piece (18+) in front of a last-minute addition to the audience, a group of 13 year-olds.

- Favorite Rob Andristplourde: performing a corporate event for the rebranding of Amsterdam WTC in 2005, with the edict: 'Do not mention Osama bin Laden.' Opening the show, the audience yells out 'Osama bin Laden!'

- Favorite JeffreySpalburg: FATU. The one where you make 500 people laugh their asses off. But there’s the 1 guy who frowns the whole time. He comes up to you after the show and gives you a lecture: ‘Your material needs nuance.‘

- My favorite story from WilkoTerwijn: the girl in the front row who threw a glass at his head 30 seconds into a show.  Afterward, he got a letter from the girl’s mother. Blaming him.

And I told the story of the corporate event when the organizer wanted us to combine role-play with improv. It sounded okay. He wanted us to portray the bosses from the New York office, telling everyone they were fired and then say: ‘Kidding!’ Not the best way to kick off a comedy show. They threw fruit at us, glassware broke onstage. And – to be honest – we deserved it.
And I didn’t even get to the story about portraying Osama for a NATO conference. Or dressing up as Sinterklaas and performing in a KLM 747. Or the show where some overzealous cameraman literally caught with my pants down.

I am honored to have been asked by MC Theater to organize. I am honored to have so much experience up there onstage to choose from. I hope I even helped make a statement about the arts in Amsterdam right now. Yes, there’s a crisis. Yes, funding is being cut. And – while theaters like Engelenbak say ‘Fuck you, then. We’re closing…’ There are some theaters, like MC Theater, who have their funding cut and say ‘Fuck you, we’re doing it anyway.’ I’m glad there were representatives of so many Amsterdam comedy institutions to get acquainted with the MC.

For good measure, I asked MC Theater for a stage set on the theme ‘Best Green Room Ever.’ They gave us a real dressing room with huge cooler full of beers – and fried chicken to close the show. Well done, MC Theater. Well done.

 http://www.mconline.nl/mconline/index.xql?id=/mc/producties/tori/mctori20122013

Daniel Kitson, ‘After the Beginning, Before the End’
(seen at Toomler 24 June, 2013)

http://www.danielkitson.com/Site/Kitson.html

Daniel Kitson has a bit of a cult following, particularly among the cult called 'Comedians.' When it was announced that he’d be playing a one-off of his show in Amsterdam on a Monday, the word spread as quickly as the expectations. He did not disappoint.

‘After the Beginning, Before the End’ features Kitson, sitting onstage behind a couple samplers. He accompanies himself with a minimalist soundtrack. His through-line is a recorded line of dialogue that gets longer every time. Technically, it wasn’t ‘stand-up comedy.’ It was much closer to what the Dutch would call ‘Cabaret,’ to what many people would call ‘performance art.’ It reminded me of the shows I’d go see in Edinburgh: early Simon Munnery or Noble & Silver.

To start things off, Kitson analyzes time-honored aphorisms, such as ‘You can’t take it with you’ and gets strong laughs:

‘They say “You can’t take it with you.” Meaning you can’t take your money with you, and you should spend more time on your loving relationships. But you know what else you can’t take with you? Loving relationships.’ After setting up & knocking down a number of them, Kitson concludes: ‘If it’s snappy, it’s crappy.’

Kitson thus begins the wonderful theme of his show, which is to question everything. His show felt like a comedy version of Rene Descartes presenting ‘Discourse on the Method:’ all we truly know is we are thinking at this moment ‘I think, therefore I am.’ Kitson questions if his own feelings about people are genuine. Are his feelings about himself genuine? Is his definition of self at all accurate? Why do people remember things about him that he’s edited out long ago? Miraculously, Kitson manages to tease out the Big Questions into genuine laughs. It’s like Louis CK’s bit with his daughter asking him ‘Why?’ But in this show Kitson is doing the asking. And he really does not stop.

What is The Self?

‘My definition of Self is based on a collection of memories. Which ones do I keep? And which ones do I conveniently edit out?’

He encounters a new fizzy drink, which he likes but doesn’t know why. He stops and meditates and realizes it’s because of a memory he’d shut out long ago, involving him essentially sucking on garbage.

At one point Kitson even admits he may have taken his self-analysis too far:

‘I bought a video projector and one of the bulbs broke. So I decided to take it all apart and see how it worked. And after I took the not-appropriate tool and had all the pieces spread out across my living room rug with some key pieces missing, I realized I’d never be able to put it all together again. Now it sits in a box in my loft gathering dust. I feel like I’ve done the same thing with my psyche.’

What is Truth? If everyone experiences everything differently, how can there be any universal truth? Is there any such thing as objectivity, when everyone’s version of events is so hopelessly corrupted by selective memory?

The show ends with the conclusion of the through-line story, whose narrator is – of course – unreliable. At least that’s the way Kitson remembers it.

It was a great show, and apparently he’s only got a couple performances left. Thankfully there were so many members of the Amsterdam comedy scene on hand to witness it. He raised the bar for everyone.

 Daniel Kitson, Comedian ‘After the Beginning, Before the End’

(seen at Toomler 24 June, 2013)

Daniel Kitson has a bit of a cult following, particularly among the cult of comedians. When it was announced that he’d be playing his one-off of his show in Amsterdam on a Monday, the word spread as quickly as the expectations. He did not disappoint.

‘After the Beginning, Before the End’ features Kitson, sitting onstage behind a couple samplers. He accompanies himself with a minimalist soundtrack. His through-line is a recorded line of dialogue that gets longer every time. Technically, it wasn’t ‘stand-up comedy.’ It was much closer to what the Dutch would call ‘Cabaret,’ to what many people would call ‘performance art.’ It reminded me of the shows I’d go see in Edinburgh: early Simon Munnery or Noble & Silver.

To start things off, Kitson analyzes time-honored aphorisms, such as ‘You can’t take it with you’ and gets strong laughs:

‘They say “You can’t take it with you.” Meaning you can’t take your money with you, and you should spend more time on your loving relationships. But you know what else you can’t take with you? Loving relationships.’ After setting up & knocking down a number of them, Kitson concludes: ‘If it’s snappy, it’s crappy.’

Kitson thus begins the wonderful theme of his show, which is to question everything. His show felt like a comedy version of Rene Descartes presenting ‘Discourse on the Method:’ all we truly know is we are thinking at this moment ‘I think, therefore I am.’ Kitson questions if his own feelings about people are genuine. Are his feelings about himself genuine? Is his definition of self at all accurate? Why do people remember things about him that he’s edited out long ago? Miraculously, Kitson manages to tease out the Big Questions into genuine laughs. It’s like Louis CK’s bit with his daughter asking him ‘Why?’ But in this show Kitson is doing the asking. And he really does not stop.

What is The Self?

‘My definition of Self is based on a collection of memories. Which ones do I keep? And which ones do I conveniently edit out?’

He encounters a new fizzy drink, which he likes but doesn’t know why. He stops and meditates and realizes it’s because of a memory he’d shut out long ago, involving him essentially sucking on garbage.

At one point Kitson even admits he may have taken his self-analysis too far:

‘I bought a video projector and one of the bulbs broke. So I decided to take it all apart and see how it worked. And after I took the not-appropriate tool and had all the pieces spread out across my living room rug with some key pieces missing, I realized I’d never be able to put it all together again. Now it sits in a box in my loft gathering dust. I feel like I’ve done the same thing with my psyche.’

What is Truth? If everyone experiences everything differently, how can there be any universal truth? Is there any such thing as objectivity, when everyone’s version of events is so hopelessly corrupted by selective memory?

The show ends with the conclusion of the through-line story, whose narrator is – of course – unreliable. At least that’s the way Kitson remembers it.

It was a great show, and apparently he’s only got a couple performances left. Thankfully there were so many members of the Amsterdam comedy scene on hand to witness it. He raised the bar for everyone.

Exam Season for Rutte: Let’s not repeat another year

Here's something political.

As a fan of DutchNews.nl, I’ve been following the news in Nederland closely. I was just taking a look back at the news of the year so far. And – since it’s exam season in the Netherlands – let’s see how the Rutte Cabinet is scoring.  

At least Rutte didn’t follow the trend of student exam cheaters this year. But maybe he should have. 

Does the Rutte Cabinet need to repeat a year? Actually, it feels like we just did.

Taking stock of where we are since 1 year ago, it’s remarkable how little has changed. It’s not for lack of trying.

- Insurance Reform.
Since Mark Rutte’s VVD kicked off the coalition with Labor PvdA, they promised some real reforms. They started with health care. My reaction was ‘why health care?’ Maybe, like Obama, they thought ‘this will be a nice warmup for what we really want to get done.’ Or it ends up taking your whole first term. As it turned out, Rutte didn’t get that far. His proposal for new insurance premiums drew so much criticism – from the EU as well – that they took it off the table. Back to the drawing board!

- Mortgage Reform.
This is a biggie. The Dutch rules for mortgage deductions are begging for reform. The Dutch mortgage system is so bizarrely Byzantine that even Wall Street circa 2007 would be impressed. The only people resisting are – everyone with a house. I myself have a mortgage based on the new rules from the 90s, whereby I’m paying, but not really paying. The reforms Rutte suggested would not have even affected me, just new homeowners starting in the future. But no! It was too controversial. Rutte took it off the table. Back to the drawing board!

- Budget Cuts.

A real kick in the teeth. After 2 painful rounds of budget cuts in previous years, the Rutte Cabinet now needs to cut even more. For a while, it looked like we might not have to…

- Labor Reform.
One of the VVD’s biggest priorities is labor market reform. They want to make it easier for businesses to hire & fire people. For this huge priority, Rutte delegated it to Labor. Actually, it seemed to pay off. Labor Vice-Prime Minister Lodewijk Asscher assembled a classic ‘Polder Model’ meeting of Government, big business and labor. Together, they came up with a plan to allow more redundancies – as long as we put off budget cuts for at least another year. Rutte agreed. We had a deal!
If only Mark Rutte could sell the plan to the EU. But no, they insist that rules are rules. To keep the budget deficit at 3%, the Dutch will have to cut next year’s budget – and not by 4.3 billion. But 6-8 billion.

The labor deal is off the table.  Back to the drawing board!

One bright spot may be the Dutch Chairman of the Eurogroup Jeroen Dijsselbloem. Finally a chance to provide Dutch leadership in the EU! Dijsselbloem was the first to suggest that failed banks should ask investors to share the burden with taxpayers. For this novel idea, he’s been effectively sidelined. How will the Dutch provide EU leadership? Back to the drawing board.

Don’t forget: Dutch energy policy needs a complete overhaul, as reported this week. Back to the drawing board.

Add to that the FYRA transport debacle. Back to the drawing board.

If there’s a theme to the past year, it’s ‘The Hokey Pokey Dance.’
You put your insurance reform in, you take your insurance reform out.
You put your mortgage reform in, you take your mortgage reform out.
You put your labor reform in, you take your labor reform out.

And you shake it all about…

Maybe a shakeup is what’s needed. A year ago, the Netherlands was being run by a ‘caretaker government’ – just to get us through until elections could be held. A year later, it still feels like a caretaker government. Is the Rutte Cabinet trying to tell us something? 

Gushing over my brother's premiere in Cannes

Cannes 2013 – ‘Max Rose’ a film by Daniel Noah

He really did it.

I was lucky enough to go see my brother’s first film, and his debut in Cannes. I caught up with Noah the night before the premiere. Jerry Lewis had just flown in, and there was a dinner in his honor. Of course, he skipped it so he could sleep. So they had an extra place at the table, and I got to join in. I guess I eating Jerry’s food. Ha, ha – just kidding. It was at the Carlton Intercontinental, and since I arrived late I was offered nothing but quizzical stares by the overformal staff.

The overall mood on Wednesday night was more formal, reserved. People were nervous, I guessed. There were about 20 people at the table, including the principals Kerry Bishé & Kevin Pollak,. There was Lawrence the main investor and his other investors. And there was the Amanda, whom I got to meet at last. Very gracious and kind. I got to sit next to Mitchell White from the production team. He’s from New Orleans, and he did his best to keep the party going. As the evening wound down, someone from the local production team gave Noah his marching orders, and they were off.

On the day of the premiere, there was a press conference, which I missed. I’d stopped by the production / press office to get tickets, but I’d been put into the category ‘Access NO Areas.’ More than a film festival, Cannes is a Crowd Management festival, with all manner of partitions and dividers to let you know where you don’t belong.  I arrived an hour early for the film, which was clearly not enough time. What a crowd: young, old, French, American, black tie, casual. And they were all there with tickets saying ‘Max Rose un film du Daniel Noah.’ Also, there was a sizeable crowd of snapshot-seekers waiting for a glimpse of Jerry.

Noah was already inside at a Welcome Table with Kerry & Kevin, greeting and networking. Technically, the carpet was red. But the grand entrance was reserved for Le Jerry Lewis. There was a small army of photographers at the front (which I tripped over). As Jerry walked in, the crowd went wild. The audience whole audience was trying to get a picture of him. But he seated himself as quickly as possible and yelled ‘Start the film already!’ And the focus was on Noah, ‘the first-time director.’ He took the mic and gave a short intro. And the film began.

I loved it! Was there any evidence this was a first-time director? Not at all. Was it ‘typical Jerry Lewis?’ Not at all. It was very much a director’s film, very consciously utilizing Jerry Lewis’ screen presence to advance the story. If you’d never even heard of Jerry Lewis, what you’d see is an 87 year-old actor being very honest about what it’s like to be 87. That – says Noah – was the reason Lewis attached himself to this script. The story doesn’t shy away from wrinkles and bitterness and family dysfunction.

For me, the real bright spot of the film was Ms. Kerry Bishé as Max Rose’s granddaughter, Annie. The chemistry between Kerry and Jerry was just lovely. It needed to be exceptional for the story to work. Noah uses more pauses than Pinter, letting the actors play pure subtext. All it takes is a brief, overheard phone call, and you can tell that she’s not just everything to him – she’s sacrificing everything to be there for him. I’m crying a bit just thinking about it. The scenes with Kevin Pollak were painfully realistic. I could’ve used a bit more of that storyline, in retrospect. Perhaps that had to do with editing, which was – let’s remember – finished in record time to be ready for Cannes.

And what a treat to see such a parade of older actors. Fred Willard is great in his cameo. One of the first standup comedians, Mort Sahl, gets to shine. And the jazz improv scene with the whole group of old folks is pure joy. But Dean Stockwell steals the show, with a nicely executed climax. And then it was over. The film ends with a series of black & white images of Jerry Lewis as a young man, which got the whole room soggy-eyed. And in the credits there’s a dedication to Bob & Kate Loewy, which was hardly necessary for me. So much of the film is a loving ode to Grandpa Bob & Grandma Kate and their old house in Rogers Park. It just happened to have Jerry Lewis along the way.

He really did it. He pulled a rabbit out of a hat. To get that performance out of Jerry Lewis, as a first-time director? I don’t know how he did it. I suppose it was a blessing in disguise that this film was so long in the making. It was right after Jerry Lewis won his lifetime achievement Oscar that he attached himself to the film. That was years ago. Since then, through all the ups & downs and stops & starts of fundraising, Jerry & Noah have developed a nice rapport. Jerry Lewis has become ‘Grandpa Jerry.’ You could even see that after the screening.

What did people think of the film? It seemed the reaction was positive. There were people audibly laughing as well as crying throughout the screening. There was a sizeable round of applause at the end, and then –‘Jerry has left the building.’ Again I had to hustle to keep up with the entourage to beat the muscled ushers. (I’d had to sneak into the cinema after they’d tried to deny entrance to ticket-holders. I said ‘I’m the director’s brother- my name is Shapiro.’ That didn’t help. In fact, no one I talked to knew his real name.) (Freak.)

We were ushered over to an afterparty at a beach tent venue with a DJ and 7 euro beers. Jerry was long gone. Noah huddled up his cast – this was the first time they’d seen the final cut. All were positive. Noah only lamented that the sound at the cinema wasn’t up to par. He had invested a lot of time in the intricacies of the soundscape, which was lost at the screening. Ours was supposedly the second-largest venue, but it was a temporary structure. When the wind came in off the water, it sounded like our whole cube was about to lift off. I remembered thinking, ‘Cannes, really? For Le Jerry Lewis, this is the best you can do?’ But if the film does well, they may want to redo the sound anyway. And how can the film not do well? In the end it cost $1.85 million. That’s it. For Jerry Lewis’ last film and first drama. How could you not make your money back?

The evening ended with a more intimate group in a more intimate setting in the back of the best damn Italian restaurant I’ve experienced in a while. The mood was light years different from Wednesday. I actually got to know the team, especially Lawrence the Producer, who’s been such a part of Noah’s life, these last years. On Wednesday I’d felt self-conscious about introducing myself as the older brother (with not as many films at Cannes). But of course, that’s partly because I’ve chosen for my family. And how touching that the film ends on the same note.

Noah, you’re exceptional. Your first film is not only a decent film, but an important film. You deserve a huge career, and I can’t wait to see what you do from here.

Ranking the Standards Dutch v American

Ranking the Standards

17 May, 2013

Coming to the Netherlands from the US, I had trouble adapting to certain Dutch standards.

But having just visited the US, there are plenty of American standards that are clearly inferior. Maybe it’s time to set the record straight. 

Take for example the Dutch standard of counting. They still say their numbers with the 1's then the 10's. Hence, 24 is ‘4-and-twenty,’ which I can never say without thinking of medieval blackbirds. When Dutch people try to give you their phone numbers, it quickly gets ridiculous:

’06..’
I write down 06.

‘4 and fifty.’

I write down 45. ERASE! I go back and write it properly: 54.

‘6 and thirty.’

I write down 63. ERASE! Sorry: 36.

‘7’

That’s easy: 7.
‘3...’
I write down 3.

‘…times zero.’

ERASE! 

Hopeless.

USA 1, NED 0

But then there’s the American standard of giving the date: Month/Day/Year. Why do it our of order? 

That’s like saying Winter/Summer/Spring. Even the US customs system has given in to the international standard: Day/Month/Year.

Point Nederland.

USA 1, NED 1

Quotation marks. I don’t really care if you use the standard ‘single’ or “double.”  But do use them. Too many Dutch children’s books have little or random quotation marks. When I'm reading to my kids, I just sound stupid.

‘The farmer has chickens said Janneke. I like chickens said Jip.’

My kids protest that I’m not doing the voices right. 

'No I’m not kids, because there’s no punctuation. Good luck learning to read.'

Point America.

USA 2, NED 1

In buildings, there should be no such thing as 'Floor 0.' Do you count to ten by starting at zero? No. So why count floors that way? And by the way, they’re floors. The Dutch term verdiepingen refers to ‘going deep,’ while actually you’re climbing higher. No wonder MC Escher was Dutch. Point America.

USA 3, NED 1

But then we come to terminology. When the Dutch want a cola, they order a ‘cola.’ Try that in the US:

‘I’d like a cola.’
‘A cola? You mean like Coca-Cola?’

‘Yes.’

‘We don’t have Coca-Cola.’

‘What do you have?’
‘Pepsi.’

‘Which is a…?’

‘Cola.’

‘Which is why I ordered a cola.’

Point Nederland.

USA 3, NED 2

When the Dutch want a taxi, they order a ‘taxi.’ In the US, you get a taxi, OR you ‘get a cab.’ It’s not just that this term is outdated. It’s that the term refers to the front seat of a vehicle - where passengers are not supposed to sit. In most countries I’ve visited, if you try getting into the front seat, you’re probably a criminal. Ironically, the Netherlands is one of the few countries where it IS okay to sit in the front. And they still don’t say ‘cab.’

Point Nederland.

USA 3, NED 3

When Dutch people aim a cameraphone at you, they don’t ‘take a picture,’ they ‘make a picture.’ The Dutch way makes more makes sense. When Americans say ‘I want to take a picture,’ I always think of the tribespeople, who are afraid of the camera taking their souls. Either that, or I think of ‘Airplane,’ when the reporter says ‘Let’s take some pictures,’ and they steal the photos from the walls.

Nederland in the lead!

USA 3, NED 4

But then again, Dutch people don’t know how to make a decision. That’s because Dutch people don’t make a decision; they take a decision. Apparently, if you can’t make up your mind, you need to take a decision – most likely from someone else. This subject is especially tricky with Dutch politics. Ask the Dutch to make a decision about the economy, and they’ll take their decision from, say, Germany.
USA 4, NED 4

George W. Bush once said, ‘The French don’t have a word for entrepreneur.’  The Dutch, meanwhile, have multiple words for entrepreneur: ZZPer and ondernemer.  But ondernemer translates to ‘undertaker,’ which is just weird. 

No points.

USA 4, NED 4

The Dutch still haven’t come up with a decent term for ‘significant other.’ I’ve met too many Dutch men my age, who still don’t know how to refer to the female partner they’ve been living with for 10 years.

‘This is my… girlfriend.’

‘How long have you been dating?’

‘We’re not dating, we live together. She’s like my wife.’

‘How long have you been married?’

‘We’re not married… she’s my partner.’

‘So you’re in business?’

‘We’re not in business. She’s my …baby mama?’

Dutch people, you invented the term samenwonen. You really should figure out what to call the person you’re spending your life with. 

Point America.

USA 5, NED 4.

Americans have ‘gas stations,’ where you can get gasoline. But now you can also get natural gas. And anything you eat from there will give you gas. The term ‘gas station’ is terribly unspecific. The Dutch have ‘tank stations,’ which is only confusing if you’re driving a tank.

Point Nederland.

USA 5, NED 5.

Dutch people have ‘mobile numbers’ for their mobile phones. Americans have ‘cell numbers’ for their cellular phones - which is like saying 'molecular phones.' I know 'cellular' refers to the infrastructure, but the abbreviation is 'cell,' which is intolerable. When I give my American friends my ‘mobile number,’ they laugh at me, like I’m the idiot. Mobile number only means 1 thing: mobile phone number. Cell number only means 1 thing: you are in prison.

USA 5, NED 6

I’m sure there are more examples, but as of now it’s the Netherlands with more common-sense standards than the Yanks. If you’re like me, you’ll try to convert the Americans to say ‘taxi’ and ‘cola’ and ‘mobile number.’ Of course, it can be confusing. Just go your gang.

Marketing the Netherlands in a Crisis - A Terrible Idea Gone Wonderfully Right

Marketing the Netherlands in a Crisis - A Terrible Idea Gone Wonderfully Right

The ‘Fascinating Vriesland ‘ Viral Video

24 April, 2013

I’ve worked on some weird projects. But one terrible idea went horribly right.

In my line of work as a comedian / voice-over / writer, I’ve had all manner of bizarre pitches.

When the economy is chugging along, it’s easy to say no to the super-weird. But when the economy is in tatters, it’s surprising at what I’ll say yes to.

- I’ve moderated a corporate event, in character as a tech expert.

- I’ve done my solo show in the front entrance of a public building – with the doors open.

- I’ve done a standup comedy show in the nose of a 747, dressed as Sinterklaas.

And these are the projects that turned out well.

…Then there are the projects that are too far-fetched to survive. I was once in the voice-over booth, when the client said,

‘Can you try it again, a bit more convincing?’ I was not convincing enough.  

‘Can you try it a bit more authoritative?’ I was not authoritative enough.

‘Can you try to sound like Patrick Stewart?’

It was at that point I realized, ‘Are you looking for a British voice?’

‘Yes! Can you do that?’ No.

I should have known. But sometimes you can’t tell.

It’s alarming how long a project can survive, without anyone having a clear idea of what they want. So when I got the call for a ‘Fascinating Friesland’ voice-over, I was on Red Alert.

The call came via my management office. Some guy was looking for a native English speaker to come to Friesland for a voice-over.

I asked if the taping could be in Amsterdam.

‘Sure,’ was the answer. Hmmm… Way too easy.

I asked what kind of studio set up they had.

‘We’ll figure something out,’ was the answer. Again way too easy.

I asked about the text.

‘We’re still working on it… In fact, could you translate it?’
This was a recipe for disaster. So of course, I said yes.

2 guys showed up at the office: a guy about my age with a Croatian accent and a young Dutch guy, who turned out to be the intern. Mr. Croatian explained that he’d moved to Friesland years ago, and he’d gone native. He spoke English, Croatian, Dutch and – of course - Fries. He explained that the marketing department for the Province of Friesland had been almost completely laid-off. The entire tourism industry of Friesland was now down to 1 man. But he had just enough budget to make a funny, quirky online video.

Luckily, the text was okay. I translated it, punched it up a bit, and read it into the portable mic they’d set up. I told him, ‘with the right visuals, it could be like that video from last year “The Difference Between Holland and The Netherlands.”’ Amazingly, they wouldn’t give him permission to use their visuals. The publicly funded broadcaster ‘Omroep Vryslan’ didn’t feel the need to cooperate with Friesland Marketing. This gives new meaning to the term ‘Provincial.’

Sure enough, the producer found the images anyway. He released it yesterday, and today it already has about 50,000 views on YouTube. (And now, suddenly, Omroep Fryslan wants a copy.)

And so, if Friesland is to pull itself through this economic crisis, it may well be thanks to a Croatian immigrant, his Frisian intern, and an American Netherlander.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bto5xs1p800