I Married a Monarchist

I Married a Monarchist
30 January

Monday was a busy day: KLM’s special offer for cheap tickets was about to expire! And my wife got a news update: ‘Queen Beatrix is about to make a big announcement!’ As we speculated what the big speech would be, we finalized our KLM tickets to America. We travel during the ‘May Vacation,’ and it will just fit… the only catch is we’ll miss Queen’s Day. Oh, well. The American in me says ‘No problem! It’s overrated, overcrowded, and I’m over it.’ But…

Queen Beatrix announced that she’d be transferring the crown to Willem Alexander - on Queen’s Day. D’oh! But we’d just booked our tickets to America! This Queen’s Day is going to be like a normal Queen’s Day combined with a Dutch World Cup Final / Gay Pride Day all rolled into one big Orange Spectacle & covered with stroopwafels.

It’s then I realized just how big a Monarchist my Dutch wife really is. She cried during the speech, just like she did during the royal wedding in 2002. I looked on, trying to get in the mood. But the nearest I got was a state of wonder. It’s times like these I realize my Americanness. My wife was crying tears of joy that her beloved Queen had done such an admirable job for so long. But mostly because we’d just booked tickets to America for Queens Day.

America doesn’t have a royal family. True, we adore our Hollywood dynasty, but it’s not the same. The closest we have is the First Family, inconstant and changeable. Truth be told, if you’d offer the Obamas a royal family, they’d probably say yes. Finally, someone to take over all that ribbon cutting! But there’s no figurehead, no parental symbol, no lifelong head of state.

Even as a Dutch transplant, I love the Queen. I love it that she’s technically the Head of State. So – when the Prime Minister resigns – he has to hand in his resignation to the Queen. And – technically – she can say ‘I do not accept,’ as she did in 1999. ‘But I can’t work with these people,’ fumed the PM. The Queen replied ‘Why don’t you try again?’ And it worked.

Queen Beatrix is great for international trade. Even when Geert Wilders was going off on rants about head scarves, Queen Bea visited the United Arab Emirates wearing a head scarf. Around that same time, Muslim women’s football teams were banned from competition because their head scarves were too loose. But now – thanks to a new headscarf design by Dutchwoman Cindy van den Bremen – they can compete again. And now the headscarf is even being sold in Hema. So Geert Wilders can rant about headscarves and oppression all he wants, but if there’s money to be made… Queen Beatrix will be there to uphold those traditional Dutch values.

Will I be such a big fan of King Willem-Alexander? Definitely. As a Dutchman, I have to. But as an allochtoon, I love the fact that his wife allochtoon, too.  

My Chat with Amsterdam Wethouder Cultuur

Last week I was chatting with former Dutch Immigration Minister Gerd Leers. This week I crossed the aisle.

Every year, Dutch newspaper Het Parool hosts the Amsterdammer van het Jaar Award in Stadsschouwburg Amsterdam. They have different areas for the Arts section, the Sports section, and the Politics section, where I join in to do some ‘Year-in-Review’ standup.

One of the bigger events in Amsterdam politics last year was the departure of city Finance Alderman Lodewijk Asscher and his replacement by Pieter Hilhorst. Not known for his financial background, Hilhorst is in fact a columnist for De Volkskrant and a relative newcomer to politics. And now there’s talk of the Dutch Finance Minister (Dijsselbloem) being promoted to a top EU post, even though he’s only been on the job for 2 months – and not very good ones. ‘If the Dutch Finance Minister can be promoted for no reason, then who’ll be the new Dutch Finance Minister - Pieter Hilhorst?’ That’s the joke I made in front of Pieter Hilhorst, and I stand by it. See, Christian Democrats? I also make fun of the Labor party.

The other interesting chat I had was with Carolien Gehrels, the Amsterdam Alderwoman for Commerce and Culture (also Labor party). Until recently, she’s been the target for all the criticism surrounding the delayed opening of the Stedelijk modern art museum. Now that the Stedelijk is open, she’s the target of all the compliments about the new museum. But now there’s the New York Times, trashing her all over again. And trashing Dutch restaurants. BUT then turning around and putting Amsterdam in the Top 10 Places You Must Visit in 2013. Amsterdam is Nr. 6 (between Bhutan & Houston, Texas) (not a joke).

We’re not sure why the NYT is suddenly showing such an interest in Amsterdam. But we are sure that whoever is writing for them is blowing so hot & cold, it must feel like menopause.

I finished my chat with Carolien Gehrels by again asking her for a subsidy. She said no. 

My Chat with the Dutch Immigration Minister

11 Jan 2013

Happy 2013! My new year started out in Limburg.

I was invited to be a guest speaker at the Society of Old Dutch Men. That wasn’t the official name, but that’s how it felt. At the main table was a former member of the Dutch cabinet from the Christian Democrats (CDA). Then there was the former Immigration Minister Gerd Leers (CDA), who was in the same cabinet as Geert Wilders. (Other than his politics, his eyebrows are amazing.)
His eyebrows were only to be outdone by the famous former Dutch Prime Minister Ruud Lubbers (also CDA). The place was crawling with Christian Democrats!

Here’s the thing: my job as a speaker is largely to poke fun at Dutch politics. Usually, the politicians are not THE ENTIRE AUDIENCE. I got to the point where I talk about Zwarte Piet. Normally, there are a couple internationals in the audience, to laugh along when I point out how bizarre it seems. Not so today. This group reacted with 'Blackface? Perfectly normal.' I also made reference to immigration policy, pointing out that the real Sint Nicolaas is from Turkey. ‘So the biggest Dutch holiday is actually being run by the Turks.’ ...Anyone? Hello?

Just when I thought I’d be invited to leave the building, I was approached by a man in black with a big, silver cross. He introduced himself as the Bishop of Maastricht, and he said he loved my speech… Before I knew it, he’d introduced me to Gerd Leers. And there I was, face to face with ‘Mr. Immigration.’ Would he be offended by my speech? Would I somehow end up being deported?

We ended up talking about the big news from last month: the amnesty granted to child asylum-seekers and their families. Mr. Leers said he was glad to see the issue resolved. He had a nice quote: ‘Make no mistake: If I could, I would grant amnesty to most asylum seekers. But it's complicated.' 

Leers told about Germany's policy to pay cash for Bosnians & Kosovars to return home. They policy was such a success that Kosovars were entering Germany just to get the cash to go back home! 'Scandalous,' said Minister Leers. But I could only think 'What would you do?' If your house had been bombed (by NATO), why not try to get Germany to pay to fix your house?

Minister Leers continued: 'I'd like to grant amnesty to everyone. But at some point you must realize you are giving a huge gift to the human traffickers.’ And so I got schooled. Apparently, human trafficking is a huge industry, shuttling the poorest people to the West with false promises, in appalling conditions. 

'They should all save up for a ticket on KLM and arrive like civilized people,' I responded.  

But until that happens, let’s all take a moment for Human Trafficking Awareness Day. Gerd Leers: 'When is that?' I told him: this Friday. Now you got schooled.

http://www.nytimes.com/2013/01/01/opinion/how-many-slaves-work-for-you.html?_r=0

http://slaveryfootprint.org/

2012 in Tweets by Greg Shapiro

2012 in Tweets 

by Greg Shapiro

January

re: ‘Rip Whitney Houston.’ Did you mean ‘RIP = Rest in Peace?’ Rip = what you were doing on her til yesterday.

Feb

News: George Lucas to release remastered 'Star Wars' replacing Mark Hamill with Harrison Ford.

March

Moody’s downgrades 3 Dutch banks. Then upgrades them. Then downgrades them again. F**king moody.

April

Breaking: Wilders refuses to Budge on Retirement Age, Forces Rutte into Early Retirement. #Catshuis

May

In Amsterdam it's never okay to judge by color. Unless it's a group of matching bikes - then you can assume they're high & don’t know how to bike.

June

Tonight, Paul the Octopus predicts he will still be dead. #EK#Holland

July

Don't forget, 'Filibuster' comes from the Dutch term 'Vrijbuiter' or 'Pirate.' As in ‘ARR! Prepare to be Bored!’ #Filibuster in Dutch Parliament!

September

Ahmedinejad at UN: ‘When I said I don't recognize the state of Palestine, I was only referring to the maps on my iPhone 5.’

October

If you wear the US flag as your pants, and I salute your pants, then don't look at me like I'm weird. #USelection2012

November

In concession speech Romney vows to continue serving his country any way he can. Except by paying his taxes.

December

If schools allowed you to shoot on sight any students tweeting during class, I think most teachers would say ok to guns.

+ For the record, the #Mayans also predicted the Y2K bug.

 Also- 

Jef Johnson: 'I suggest putting a teacher in every gun store' (for target practice?)

It's hard to take you seriously if you argue to the right to 'bare' arms. #RollUpYourSleeves

In retrospect, Tom Hardy as Bane sounds like a retarded Apu.

More comments from defenders of blackface. Note: when arguing you're not racist, avoid the phrase 'You people.' #ZwartePietOkBlackfaceNee

Der Spiegel on Zwarte Piet. If Germans are lecturing you on tolerance, shouldn't that be a sign? http://t.co/NHlykm9p

You did build that. In fact, you built it crooked.
http://t.co/dIvADe00

I hope Spielberg has a directors cut where Lincoln tells the red states to stay out.

Breaking News: US General David Petraeus quits, admits affair with Jack de Vries.

America, can we finally reform the Electoral College to make it more like the Eurovision Song Contest?

My sister got an anti-abortion DVD on her Wisconsin doorstep, which is the Spam equivalent of going door to door offering a bigger penis.

If you want Dutch people to speak English to you, hold a door for them & they'll assume you're not Dutch. Works every time.

For a man who doesn't believe in evolution, it’s odd how Romney's policies keep evolving.

#Debate 1 - Obama wins the JobCohen 'How dare you talk to me that way' Award

Hottest gay porn now found in Republican anti-gay ads.

I'm not saying all sailors are gay, but the name of your industry IS 'MerryTime.'

When my 8 year-old points at tiny Dutch 'Invalid' cars & says 'Ha Ha!' like Nelson on The Simpsons, I should correct him. But I can't do it.

If someone would design a toilet seat with Michaelangelo's 'Creation' I'd buy it.

I'm scared of Mitt Romney as President. I don't doubt Obama will win; I'm afraid Obama is becoming Mitt Romney.

Bill Clinton now the Democrat Fact-Checker-in-Chief. Does that make Bush the Republicans' Fact-Checker-in-Chief? That'd explain a lot

https://twitter.com/gregoryshapiro/status/243608960962285568

Inez Shapiro: 'The fact that 2012 Republicans are so religious makes them... ongeloofwaardig.'

Amazing Anti-Aging formula makes Republican party 50 years younger! Party platform ca. 1962

If faith-based voters have a problem with #Romney, remember: his economic policy 'tax cuts = jobs' is based on nothing but faith.

If you build it, they will come. If you HOST it, they will come and beat you. #wimbledon

Cannot hear exfoliate without thinking of daleks from 'Dr. Who.' 

For once in the supermarket there's no music. Still, I catch myself humming 'Shine Sweet Freedom.' Gag. Switching to Barry White.

Awkward: 'Don't you recognize me? We worked together for 6 years.' No. Awkwarder: my wife 'Are you pregnant?' No.

German couple just cut me off in #airportsecurity line. I said 'Good thing we're not getting on a train!' They didn't get it

Merkel is like Cartman. 'Respect Mah Austerity.' 

Heading to Vondelpark to sell off a lot of old toys.. And if the price is right, the kids too

Due to budget cutbacks, the Dutch ballet 'Giselle' will share stage time with Joop vd Ende, creating the world's 1st 'Gigi-selle.'

If I had a nickel for every piece of Lego I've vacuumed up... Then I'd still be in the red

Audi drivers- did you know? Your car also comes with brakes

There should be an app to make iTunes pay me $.99 whenever 'No Mercy for the King' gets stuck in my head. Work on it.

Like an #EtchaSketch I'm pretty sure Romney is being controlled by a left-right knob, and an up-down knob

If Ikea would provide a service where all items are assembled in a montage set to A-Team music, I'd buy it.

Ladies - though he "don't wanna miss a thing" - waking up to find Steven Tyler watching you is inherently creepy, right?

Dutch Digging Zwarte Hole Deeper

Dutch Digging Zwarte Hole Deeper

In the process of performing our comedy show about Sinterklaas & Zwarte Piet, we’ve been getting lots of comments from Dutch people. What’s funny to me is how many comments make their argument worse.

The following are reactions to my quotes on DutchNews.nl & NRC.nl (translation by Google Translate / Shapiro) 

Here’s how Dutch people argue ‘We’re not racist:’

- 'It's completely innocent. It's for little kids.'

If that’s true, then little kids should know the difference between blackface & black people. But – as my kid points out – it isn’t so.

After the show, a Dutch woman came up and asked ‘Are you making it up? The part about your daughter pointing to a black person as Zwarte Piet’ No! It happens all the time!

- ‘I was in a café yesterday where an African-looking man got laughed at. He took offense at a 4 year-old kid who called him Zwarte Piet. The kid was only 4 years old! The man told the parents they should tell their child the difference. No hat, no feather, no Zwarte Piet. They laughed. Then he said maybe he should go away to buy some gifts to give out. If you ask me, this man was asking for it.’

It makes me wonder what would Dutch people say if they’d move to another country with a lovable character called ‘Buck-tooth Dutchie’ where everyone dressed up as Anky van Grunsven. 

'Buck-tooth Dutchie' the beloved horse-faced character

‘But we love all you bony, buck-toothed square-faced Dutch people,’ they’d say. ‘And you don’t have the right to be offended.’ 

Here are some more Dutch people arguing that they are not racist.

- ‘Every year, you people feel discriminated because of a little black makeup? Show a little character.’

- 'These complainers are just hyper-correct white people or aggrieved descendants of slavery who look for a reason to complain. They're just the latest batch of moochers who would rather complain about nothing than do something with their lives.'

- ‘Non-white people who complain should start their own tradition of dressing up in sandals & long hair because they’re all doing one big hippie imitation.’

And then of course, there’s the personal:

- ‘Even more pathetic than this whole debate is Greg Shapiro himself. I’ve never heard him say anything funny. He would be wise to first address his utter lack of humor before lecturing his pedantic American finger at the rest of the world.’

- ‘Shapiro, it’s simple. Follow or traditions or get out.’

- ‘To be honest, you sound like a plum and you married a twat of a dutch woman. merry christmas numb nuts.’

But – like opening Pandora’s box – there’s always Hope. Some Dutchies do have a sense of humor.

- ‘We’ll eliminate Sinterklaas, when you give up fat Santa.' 
- ‘How can Americans lecture us about Sinterklaas with their over-commercial Santa Claus? It’s like the Vatican lecturing us about child abuse.’

- ‘I admit it! I celebrate Sinterklaas with negerzoenen & joden koeken & blanke vla!’

And perhaps my favorite”

- 'People - it's a comedy show.'

Reboot Sinterklaas

Reboot Sinterklaas 

Greg Shapiro, 16 nov 2012

(as seen in DutchNews.nl) 

It's time again for the Annual Dutch Racist Parade! Every year, the kids line the streets for Sinterklaas and his entourage of black-faced minions. 

'It's not racist...' insist the parents. 'It's our heritage.'

Well, okay then. Why not dress up like this as well? 

'Just celebrating our Dutch heritage...' 

As the annual debate about Sinterklaas begins anew, this American Netherlander says: Why not a Sinterklaas Reboot? Specifically, why not take Zwarte Piet & give him a Michael Jackson makeover?

The reboot trend is everywhere.

Batman had a reboot. Spiderman had a reboot, just 10 years since his last reboot. Even Sinterklaas was reinvented by Dutch director Dick Maas. If you didn't see 'Sint' from 2010, it's the one where Sinterklaas is portrayed as a child-murdering psychopath.

So why not reboot Zwarte Piet? 'Oh, no!' cry the Dutch. 'You can't touch our beloved Zwarte Piet! He must be covered in blackface, or the children won't believe!' Dick Maas himself says it's okay for Sint to kill kids. Why not make  Zwarte Piet a shade lighter?

I've had this argument with both Dutch people and black people. Quinsy Gario is the founder of 'Zwarte Piet is Racisme.' He insists that the title is not a matter of opinion; it's a simple fact. I agree with him. But I don't agree with his remedy: Dutch people should admit that they've been racist & stop Zwarte Piet immediately. That ain't gonna happen.

There's a great precedent that everyone is ignoring. Neger Zoenen. These chocolate covered marshmallow cookies were called 'Neger Kisses' for years (or even 'Negerinne Tieten).
(Use your imagination).
But around 2005, someone had the good sense to ask 'why not drop the Neger?' Now they're simply called 'Zoenen.' Are Dutch families forever damaged? No. And they get to congratulate themselves for their famous Dutch common sense.

My recommendation: drop the Zwarte. Just make him Piet. Then the next year drop the Afro. The next year, the blackface becomes soot - which is how Mr. Piet is meant to have come by the blackface in the first place.

By then, - if anyone still complains that you've ruined their lives- THEN you can call them racist.

Hurricane Sandy in Amsterdam

When Hurricane Sandy Meets The Lowlands

(as written for DutchNews.nl)
3 Nov. 2012

After watching the devastation of Hurricane Sandy on America’s biggest city, I have to wonder ‘What happens when that storm hits the Netherlands?’ Will climate change force a Category 5 hurricane onto the low lands? What would that feel like?

The good news is – to imagine a hurricane’s aftermath – all you have to do is look at any major Dutch city. They all look like they’ve been hit by a hurricane already. It’s called Hurricane Bad Government.

If you want to feel like your city is recovering from massive infrastructure damage, just visit any Dutch train station: Amsterdam, Utrecht, and Rotterdam are all undergoing massive reconstruction at the same time. And Den Haag Central Station feels like it’s been hit by a hurricane, an earthquake and Godzilla thrown in.

When the Americans refer to Europe as ‘socialism at its worst,’ I sometimes think they have a point. There seems to be an enormous, government-sponsored make-work program for every street in the country. I call them ‘The Brick Flippers.’ More than once, I have seen a street ripped up, put back together, and then ripped up again a few months later. Why? ‘We have to be fair to both sides of the brick.’ 

Amsterdam in particular has been hard hit by Hurricane Bad Government. For 10 years now the hurricane has taken out everything from Central Station to the Rijksmuseum in a pattern we call The North-South Line. Amsterdam is literally taking all its money and throwing it into a gigantic hole in the ground. The Netherlands: a nice country, if they ever finish it.

If you’re like me, you’re constantly aware of the fact that we’re living under sea level. And you can’t help but wonder what would happen if we get hit by ‘The Big One.’ Luckily, it seems we’ve been having practice for years.