2012 in Tweets
by Greg Shapiro
January
re: ‘Rip Whitney Houston.’ Did you mean ‘RIP = Rest in
Peace?’ Rip = what you were doing on her til yesterday.
Feb
News: George Lucas to release
remastered 'Star Wars' replacing Mark Hamill with Harrison Ford.
March
Moody’s downgrades 3 Dutch banks. Then upgrades them. Then
downgrades them again. F**king moody.
April
Breaking: Wilders refuses to Budge on Retirement
Age, Forces Rutte into Early Retirement. #Catshuis
May
In Amsterdam it's never okay to judge by color.
Unless it's a group of matching bikes - then you can assume they're high &
don’t know how to bike.
June
July
Don't forget, 'Filibuster'
comes from the Dutch term 'Vrijbuiter' or 'Pirate.' As in ‘ARR! Prepare to be
Bored!’ #Filibuster in
Dutch Parliament!
September
Ahmedinejad at UN: ‘When I said I don't recognize the state
of Palestine, I was only referring to the maps on my iPhone 5.’
October
If you wear the US flag as your pants, and I salute your
pants, then don't look at me like I'm weird. #USelection2012
November
In concession speech Romney vows to continue
serving his country any way he can. Except by paying his taxes.
December
If schools allowed you to shoot on sight any students
tweeting during class, I think most teachers would say ok to guns.
+ For the record, the #Mayans also predicted the Y2K bug.
Jef Johnson: 'I suggest putting a teacher in every gun store'
(for target practice?)
It's hard to take you seriously if you argue to the right to 'bare' arms. #RollUpYourSleeves
In retrospect, Tom Hardy as Bane sounds like a retarded Apu.
It's hard to take you seriously if you argue to the right to 'bare' arms. #RollUpYourSleeves
In retrospect, Tom Hardy as Bane sounds like a retarded Apu.
More comments from defenders of blackface. Note: when arguing
you're not racist, avoid the phrase 'You people.' #ZwartePietOkBlackfaceNee
Der Spiegel on Zwarte Piet. If Germans are lecturing you on tolerance, shouldn't that be a sign? http://t.co/NHlykm9p
Der Spiegel on Zwarte Piet. If Germans are lecturing you on tolerance, shouldn't that be a sign? http://t.co/NHlykm9p
You did build that. In fact, you built it crooked.
http://t.co/dIvADe00
http://t.co/dIvADe00
I hope Spielberg has a directors cut where Lincoln tells the
red states to stay out.
Breaking News: US General David Petraeus quits, admits affair with Jack de Vries.
America, can we finally reform the Electoral College to make
it more like the Eurovision Song Contest?
My sister got an anti-abortion DVD on her Wisconsin doorstep,
which is the Spam equivalent of going door to door offering a bigger penis.
If you want Dutch people to speak English to you, hold a door
for them & they'll assume you're not Dutch. Works every time.
For a man who doesn't believe in evolution, it’s odd how Romney's
policies keep evolving.
#Debate 1 - Obama wins the JobCohen 'How dare you talk to me
that way' Award
Hottest gay porn now found in Republican anti-gay ads.
I'm not saying all sailors are gay, but the name of your
industry IS 'MerryTime.'
When my 8 year-old points at tiny Dutch 'Invalid' cars &
says 'Ha Ha!' like Nelson on The Simpsons, I should correct him. But I can't do
it.
If someone would design a toilet seat with Michaelangelo's
'Creation' I'd buy it.
I'm scared of Mitt Romney as President. I don't doubt Obama
will win; I'm afraid Obama is becoming Mitt Romney.
Bill Clinton
now the Democrat Fact-Checker-in-Chief. Does that make Bush the Republicans'
Fact-Checker-in-Chief? That'd explain a lot
https://twitter.com/gregoryshapiro/status/243608960962285568
Inez Shapiro: 'The fact that
2012 Republicans are so religious makes them... ongeloofwaardig.'
Amazing Anti-Aging formula makes Republican party 50
years younger! Party platform ca. 1962
If faith-based voters have a
problem with #Romney,
remember: his economic policy 'tax cuts = jobs' is based on nothing but faith.
If you build it, they will
come. If you HOST it, they will come and beat you. #wimbledon
Cannot hear exfoliate without thinking of daleks
from 'Dr. Who.'
For once in the supermarket
there's no music. Still, I catch myself humming 'Shine Sweet Freedom.' Gag.
Switching to Barry White.
Awkward: 'Don't you recognize
me? We worked together for 6 years.' No. Awkwarder: my wife 'Are you pregnant?'
No.
German couple just cut me off
in #airportsecurity line.
I said 'Good thing we're not getting on a train!' They didn't get it
Merkel is like Cartman.
'Respect Mah Austerity.'
Heading to Vondelpark to sell
off a lot of old toys.. And if the price is right, the kids too
Due to budget cutbacks, the
Dutch ballet 'Giselle' will share stage time with Joop vd Ende, creating the
world's 1st 'Gigi-selle.'
If I had a nickel for every piece of Lego I've
vacuumed up... Then I'd still be in the red
Audi drivers- did you know?
Your car also comes with brakes
There should be an app to make
iTunes pay me $.99 whenever 'No Mercy for the King' gets stuck in my head. Work
on it.
Like an #EtchaSketch I'm
pretty sure Romney is being controlled by a left-right knob, and an up-down
knob
If Ikea would provide a
service where all items are assembled in a montage set to A-Team music, I'd buy
it.
Ladies - though he "don't
wanna miss a thing" - waking up to find Steven Tyler watching you is
inherently creepy, right?
